Psych Saturday – What Does It Take? … Engagement (and I mean yours)
I follow a few classical dressage groups on FaceBook these days. Sometimes I wonder why I do this. I am frequently disheartened by comments made on people’s posts. The way people choose to share their knowledge and opinions are often sharp, declarative, and portray a degree of certainty or expertise that I find off-putting. Setting aside the comments that are mean-spirited or shaming, I often wonder how people achieved such an advanced level in their riding knowledge and skill. It is relatively easy to state allegiance to a set of principles or training objectives. It is profoundly more difficult to apply those principles effectively and achieve those objectives in your riding and relationship with your horse. I don’t know about you, but nothing in my riding seems to go exactly like it is laid out in any of the hundreds of books, videos, and clinics I have gobbled up. It seems to me that it is all in the digestion and, I have to admit, I have frequent heartburn and indigestion.
Earlier this week I had a new client that expressed her doubt about whether our work together would help. She asked how my telling her to feel “this way or that way” in the difficult situations she was facing was going to be remotely helpful. In that moment I felt profound compassion. I thought about my 48 years of riding and how often I had heard the correction, instruction or command to do something different. I thought about how immensely difficult it has been, even with my clear understanding, to turn that input into effective action. I thought about the moments that I felt I had “gotten it right” only to feel lost the next day or week. I thought about all the times I felt like I had mastered something with my horse only to flounder in a ride on another horse. I also thought about the almost 35 years that I have devoted my professional career, searching for effective ways to help people create change within themselves. I knew at that moment that she was right. If all I did was to tell her how it should be, nothing would change.
Early in my career, one of my most loved and trusted mentors, Dr. Marc Nemiroff, would talk about the art of psychotherapy. He was not against evidenced-based treatments or research. Rather, he had a deep and lived experience of the uniqueness of each individual and an appreciation for what it took to help individuals grow and change. He was bright, knowledgeable, and experienced to be sure. More importantly, he was humble, kind, and compassionate as well as hopeful, passionate, persistent, curious and connected. He understood that his clients needed more that a pronouncement of what should be and devoted his career to helping them engage in the process of empowerment, self-understanding, growth and change.
When I sit down with my new client, my goal will be to offer all that I have learned. Not in an effort to demonstrate what I know, but in an effort to assist them in envisioning a path forward and helping them to engage in the sometimes difficult process of taking daily steps forward. In order to accomplish this, my clients will have to know where they want to go – how they want to think, feel, and behave. More importantly, they will need to understand themselves and the step-by-step process of change. I will do my best to provide them the knowledge, support and connection they will need to succeed in this challenging endeavor. In the end, the outcome will be, in large part, determined by my clients effort and engagement.
If you are reading this post, I imagine that you will also read a post in the near future written by someone who is seeking input on their riding or the development of their horse. My hope is that before you respond, you take a moment to remember what it takes…engagement in the process of growth and change. Then respond to that post with more than just judgement and pronouncements of correctness. Respond with the compassion and encouragement that might help that person find the next steps on their journey, as well as the persistence and grit to stay engaged. Because, after all, that is what it takes.
~ Paul
