As I settled in to my coffee and dog snuggling this morning, I saw the following meme in my feed.
“Some of you came from the ‘If you stop crying I’ll buy you something’ generation. We came from the ‘If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about’ generation. They are not the same.”
The reality is that these “generations” share way more in common than they are different. Sure, the bribe seems indulgent and somehow less violent than the threat of emotional violence or force. Yet, both statements are centered on the disdain for, and lack of tolerance, of tears. Both represent directed efforts to control another’s emotional experience and expression.
These attempts at emotional control do not foster regulation in our children any more than bribery or threats of violence will calm the frightened, worried, or highly anxious horse. At best, these strategies create a moment of distraction or compliance. At worse, they foster aggressive entitlement or shut down, distrust, and anger.
I would like to believe that the majority of people these days would not punish a horse for being afraid, if only because their experience taught them that it doesn’t work. In the same breath, those in the R+ world warn against mistimed or misapplied reward schedules (bribery) because that can lead to dangerous behaviors in the horse. Why then do we glorify the same strategies when we are raising children or teaching our students. How is it that these two “generations” have convinced themselves that their strategies are desirable or that they even work?
Imagine if we shifted our focus from controlling the emotions of others to helping them regulate their own experience. Imagine if we approached our horses, our children, and our students with compassion, empathy, and acceptance while focusing our energy on helping them regulate themselves. Certainly, we would set limits that would keep them and ourselves safe. At the same time, we would provide a calm, consistent, and connected presence that has been proven through both science and experience to foster resilience and self-regulation. Isn’t that what we really want after all? ~ Paul
PC – @eringilmorephotography
#resilience #sportpsych #copingwithstrongemotion #equstrianlife #equestriansportpsychology #powerofconnection
