There is an old New Yorker cartoon that depicts an older couple in marriage therapy. The husband says something to the effect of “Your need to communicate is getting in the way of my need for silence.” It made me chuckle at the time because it mirrored the battles of so many couples that I worked with over the years. Conflicts were framed as a competition over whose needs take priority and casts each person’s needs in conflict with the other’s.
Marshall Rosenberg is a psychologist who developed an approach to conflict resolution and relationships called Nonviolent Communication. There is much for us to learn from him with regard to our horsemanship as well as our human relationships. One thing I remember reading or hearing him say, that has had a huge influence on me, went something like this… There is no conflict on the level of need. All conflict is on the level of the strategies we use to get our needs met. In this way, conflict is just a crisis of creativity.
The clear implication here is that in every relationship it is possible to meet the needs of both participating partners. If there is conflict we need to change our strategy for getting our needs met, not give up hope on meeting our need.
All of this assumes that we are curious and committed to knowing the unmet needs that drive our behavior, and that we are curious and committed to understanding the unmet needs of our partners. Any one who has taken on this challenge knows how hard this can be. We are acculturated to conflict and “violent” approaches to meet our needs. And, often settle on behaviors and strategies to get our needs met before even knowing what they really are.
The next time you run into a conflict with your horse, take the time to try and understand their needs in the moment and how you might meet them. More importantly, take the time to notice your feelings and the needs that drive them. Then relieve your horse of the responsibility of meeting your needs and get to work finding other creative ways to get
them met. ~ Paul
PC – @ErinGilmorePhotography @eringilmorephotos
Marshall Rosenberg is a psychologist who developed an approach to conflict resolution and relationships called Nonviolent Communication. There is much for us to learn from him with regard to our horsemanship as well as our human relationships. One thing I remember reading or hearing him say, that has had a huge influence on me, went something like this… There is no conflict on the level of need. All conflict is on the level of the strategies we use to get our needs met. In this way, conflict is just a crisis of creativity.
All of this assumes that we are curious and committed to knowing the unmet needs that drive our behavior, and that we are curious and committed to understanding the unmet needs of our partners. Any one who has taken on this challenge knows how hard this can be. We are acculturated to conflict and “violent” approaches to meet our needs. And, often settle on behaviors and strategies to get our needs met before even knowing what they really are.
them met. ~ Paul
PC – @ErinGilmorePhotography @eringilmorephotos
