WE SUPPORT, CHALLENGE AND INSPIRE EQUESTRIANS
We hope you will enjoy our insights in the forms of Casual Conversations, videos and articles aimed at helping the equestrian transform their relationships with their horses. We are passionate about sharing our knowledge, tips, tricks, and experiences.
That Winning Feeling
I entered a show ring for the first time in well over 12 years last Saturday. As the event approached I was reflective and paid close attention to my experience and how it has changed from the experiences of a younger me. It has been a rich reflection that has given rise to a number of emotions and insights. But, before I share a few here, I want to first express my gratitude to Justin for inspiring me to step back into the ring, Maleina and Selena for all their support in getting us ready, and Stephanie Jennings for her expert and enthusiastic coaching and encouragement.
So what did I learn…
When I was young, my horse was “crazy” and I was ill-equipped to deal with it. I never came home with ribbons (unless that classes were really small). What I loved was the camaraderie and connection to my barn mates. It gave me a place to belong. Later, I found mentors that helped me help my horse. It meant moving away from my childhood crew. After that I started winning but, the satisfaction was not in the ribbon but rather in my horse’s transformation.
In my 30’s I started showing again. I had another project horse but something was different this time. Somehow knowing that I had more tools for helping my horse shifted the focus to winning. I remember that the ribbons became more important and the goals more ambitious. Of course, I was humbled when my horse developed an intermittent explosive bucking disorder which sent me on a search for knowledge and understanding from corners of the horse world I had yet to explore.
My 40’s were spent studying the horse. And, I have to say I found great satisfaction in this time in my life. I found community in my search for knowledge, skill and experience. My horses grew to be connected partners. I was able to share what I learned with my sons. It filled so many holes in my own training and experience. As I learned and grew, I became restless because I realized, more now than ever before, how much I didn’t know and still had to learn. I dabbled in a few shows. Enjoyed the competition (Yes, I am quite competitive). But, I yearned for more.
The most recent decade has been the richest. Sure, my adventures fox hunting and trail riding and training have been a blast. Yet, the greatest satisfaction has been the richness of my growing community of connections at a time in my life where I can appreciate the full range of what they have to offer; friendship, encouragement, inspiration, knowledge, support, and yes… healthy and robust competition.
Each day I work with riders struggling with competition nerves. So often they focus on this hated negative feeling, working to make it go away. There is a part of me that knows that, if I could only get them to broaden their focus and connect to the larger experience, if I could help them focus on the parts of the experience that brings them joy, the worries of the day might melt away and leave them with that winning feeling no matter what the color of the ribbons won. ~ Paul
PC – Carla Callahan (Thanks Carla)
Change Is Easy
In our Fresh Start II: Foundation of Confidence and Connection clinic we were talking about change and in a conversation with the group, I let it slip that, “Change is easy.” As soon as I said it I knew that there would be lively conversation about this idea. While there was some gentle push back and mild expressions of doubt from the group, perhaps the biggest push back came from myself.
I woke early this morning chewing hard on this idea. On one hand, I know from both personal and professional experience that changing ones behavior or state of mind in a specific circumstance is easy. I have done it for myself and guided clients to change hundreds if not thousands of time. On the other hand, I know from personal and professional experience that changing thinking and perceptual filters like limiting beliefs, is extremely difficult.
How can we reconcile these two seeming truths? I think it comes down to what I refer to as the 5 Essential Conditions for Change. One of my NLP and Hypnotherapy mentors, Ron Klein, used to say that there are 5 essential conditions for change and if they are met you will be able to help your clients change. My apologies to my readers that have heard me talk about these a million times before…
Unequivocal desire to change… There can be no “I want to change, but…”
Stated in the Positive… You have to know what you want, not what you don’t want.
Contextually Specific… The change is specific to a specific context.
Self-initiated and Self-maintained… You can only change you.
Future oriented… Can’t change the past.
When I have worked with clients to meet these conditions, my clients have made changes 100% of time. A pretty impressive statistic. But, what about perceptions and beliefs. Do the same conditions apply? Could beliefs be just as easy to change if we meet the same conditions.
I wonder. My gut says that they are. If we think of a belief as the mental equivalent of a behavior. Dysfunctional or unhelpful beliefs are simply mental habits for which all the the essential conditions would apply. Could it be that simple?
I will be pondering this in the weeks to come. My current thinking is that it requires a level of awareness that behaviors do not. It is easier to see our behavior than it is to identify the beliefs that guide them. My other thought is that beliefs run deep and are part of the fabric of whole systems of behavior. There are more potential “unintended consequences” of a change in our beliefs than simple behavior change. This could feed the “Yes, but…” monster.
I am curious about your thoughts. Do you seek change on the level of beliefs? How do you do it? And… is it easy?!?!
~ Paul
Healing Strides
There are moments in life where you feel inspired by others. This week has been one of them for me. Life brought me to Roanoke VA and I took the opportunity to spend time with my good friends at Healing Strides of VA. It would be an over simplification to call Healing Strides a therapeutic riding program. It is a place that is rich with opportunity for healing and growth for everyone.
There are few places on this earth I feel as welcomed and valued. And, I know that each person they meet feels the same way because it a core element of their culture. From the clients they serve to their dedicated staff to their generous and enthusiastic volunteers, they take the time and make the effort to truly see each other and connect.
There are times I get so busy with life that the inspiration all around me gets lost. I frequently remind people that what we pay attention to is what we experience. So today, I want to share a simple reminder to take a moment, shift your focus, and look for inspiration in your world. It is likely that you will not have to look very far.
I know, in my heart of hearts, that in being inspired I shine a bit more brightly in the world. Let us all shine! ~ Paul
PC – @eringilmorephotography @eringilmorephotos
A Race to the End Game
I remember back to grad school and my first clients. I was feeling badly one day about one of my first cases and bemoaning my lack of understanding, skill and experience when someone said to me,, “Every surgeon has their first operation.” At the time, I was comforted. However, as time has past, I began to wonder if my taking comfort in that idea went too far. While it is certainly true that we all have to start somewhere, it is also true that we should take the necessary care to develop our understanding, skills, and experience in a way that builds capability over time. That way, when we do our first “surgery,” we are well prepared for success.
Yesterday, Justin and I spend another fabulous day with the trainers and riders at Meadowbrook Stables. After lunch I spent some time with their IEA coach Halle and another instructor Charlotte. We had a wide ranging conversation about coaching, mental skills, emotional growth, and preparation for competition. Their team IEA team is headed for finals and we talked about strategies and techniques to help them effectively cope with the pressure. One of the themes that emerged was the value of small and consistent practices over time. It is great to have tools to use in the heat of competition. But, in order for those tools to be maximally effective, we need to consistently and regularly practice the fundamental mental and emotional skills. Then, when we need them, they are ready to go.
As we worked with the riders during the day on connection through the reins and bit. I reflected on how essentially important it is that our equine partners understand what we are trying to communicate. We ended up talking about it in a way that was very similar to the conversation about mental preparation. In order to develop that communication, we need to work on the small things in a consistent way to build and then refine our relationship with our horses through the bit, as well as their understanding of all the aids.
I would be the first to acknowledge the value of experience, experimentation, and play; engaging the world at the cutting edge (or just beyond) of our knowledge and skill. At the same time, I am also concerned that in our race to the end game, we often skip over the fundamental understandings and abilities that allow us to be successful when challenged. In the world of horses, we end up with teams that can accomplish the competitive task but, suffer behaviorally, physically, or mentally because of a shallow foundation. In the world of humans, we end up with people who are struggling mentally or emotionally with the stress of competition because they jumped over the development of core coping and regulatory skills.
I hope you will join me in resisting the temptation to race to the end game. Let us commit to the thoughtful and consistent development of ourselves and our relationships with our horses. ~ Paul
PC – @eringilmorephotography
#fundamentals #equestrian #equestrianlife #sportpsych #equestriansportpsych #equstriansportpsychology #foundationforperformance
“I’ll Give You Something to Cry About” and Other Amazing Parenting Techniques
As I settled in to my coffee and dog snuggling this morning, I saw the following meme in my feed.
“Some of you came from the ‘If you stop crying I’ll buy you something’ generation. We came from the ‘If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about’ generation. They are not the same.”
The reality is that these “generations” share way more in common than they are different. Sure, the bribe seems indulgent and somehow less violent than the threat of emotional violence or force. Yet, both statements are centered on the disdain for, and lack of tolerance, of tears. Both represent directed efforts to control another’s emotional experience and expression.
These attempts at emotional control do not foster regulation in our children any more than bribery or threats of violence will calm the frightened, worried, or highly anxious horse. At best, these strategies create a moment of distraction or compliance. At worse, they foster aggressive entitlement or shut down, distrust, and anger.
I would like to believe that the majority of people these days would not punish a horse for being afraid, if only because their experience taught them that it doesn’t work. In the same breath, those in the R+ world warn against mistimed or misapplied reward schedules (bribery) because that can lead to dangerous behaviors in the horse. Why then do we glorify the same strategies when we are raising children or teaching our students. How is it that these two “generations” have convinced themselves that their strategies are desirable or that they even work?
Imagine if we shifted our focus from controlling the emotions of others to helping them regulate their own experience. Imagine if we approached our horses, our children, and our students with compassion, empathy, and acceptance while focusing our energy on helping them regulate themselves. Certainly, we would set limits that would keep them and ourselves safe. At the same time, we would provide a calm, consistent, and connected presence that has been proven through both science and experience to foster resilience and self-regulation. Isn’t that what we really want after all? ~ Paul
PC – @eringilmorephotography
#resilience #sportpsych #copingwithstrongemotion #equstrianlife #equestriansportpsychology #powerofconnection
Vortex of Being: Ripples in the Universe
The summer before I started graduate school, I spend many afternoons siting in the hospital with my namesake and grandfather, Paul Kern. He had bone cancer and his body was dying. That summer was the most beautiful and excruciatingly painful time of my life. There were quiet times of shared silence. Times where I reread our favorite Louis L’Amour westerns aloud. Times when I comforted him in his pain. TImes where I shed silent tears of grief.
We lost Vortex this weekend. We first met him as he flew off a stock trailer with several other Nokotas fresh off the plains of North Dakota back in 2014. He had a presence and energy that was wild, vibrant and pure. He Joined our herd several years later. His relationship with Justin in the years that followed is Justin’s to tell. What I can say is that Vortex lived up to his name. Not as a destructive force. Rather, a collector of the world’s energy, organizing it in a clear and powerful way. He was a central spirit in the whole herd, human and horse alike.
I watched Vortex and Justin grow their relationship. We talk a lot about complex systems and opening channels of communication. I got to watch that happen in real time as Vortex taught Justin and Justin stumbled his way forward. In the end, their relationship was a beautiful thing to watch. And, when I watch Justin with young or confused or frightened horses, I can see the echo of Vortex in him.
It is one of my greatest honors to channel the quiet, patient, and loving spirit of my Grandfather, to share his spirit with others so that they might experience the same loving acceptance I experienced as a child and young man. We aspire to honor Vortex in the same way, to share his gift of organizing the energy of our relationships and make meaningful ripples in the universe. ~ Paul
#SportPsychology #equestriansportpsych #Equestrian #grief #loss #vortex #spiritguide
PC – Erin Gilmore Photography
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