phaefner

The summer before I started graduate school, I spend many afternoons siting in the hospital with my namesake and grandfather, Paul Kern. He had bone cancer and his body was dying. That summer was the most beautiful and excruciatingly painful time of my life.  There were quiet times of shared silence. Times where I reread our favorite Louis L’Amour westerns aloud. Times when I comforted him in his pain. TImes where I shed silent tears of grief.

We lost Vortex this weekend. We first met him as he flew off a stock trailer with several other Nokotas fresh off the plains of North Dakota back in 2014. He had a presence and energy that was wild, vibrant and pure. He Joined our herd several years later. His relationship with Justin in the years that followed is Justin’s to tell. What I can say is that Vortex lived up to his name. Not as a destructive force. Rather, a collector of the world’s energy, organizing it in a clear and powerful way.  He was a central spirit in the whole herd, human and horse alike. 

I watched Vortex and Justin grow their relationship. We talk a lot about complex systems and opening channels of communication. I got to watch that happen in real time as Vortex taught Justin and Justin stumbled his way forward. In the end, their relationship was a beautiful thing to watch. And, when I watch Justin with young or confused or frightened horses, I can see the  echo of Vortex in him.

It is one of my greatest honors to channel the quiet, patient, and loving spirit of my Grandfather, to share his spirit with others so that they might experience the same loving acceptance I experienced as a child and young man. We aspire to honor Vortex in the same way, to share his gift of organizing the energy of our relationships and make meaningful ripples in the universe. ~ Paul

#SportPsychology #equestriansportpsych #Equestrian #grief #loss #vortex #spiritguide

PC – Erin Gilmore Photography

When I was in college, I had a math professor, Fr. Dobbins, who was equal parts challenging and inspiring. He would assign homework that no mere mortal could complete on their own. Then he would offer a three to four-hour study session every week to work through the material as a group. On the first exam I took with him, I earned 27%, which turned out to be the second-highest mark in the class. He would say, “Anyone can memorize procedures and theorems. I want to know how you can apply the principles to novel problems.”

I would like to say I appreciated his approach back then, but I would be lying. However, in reflection, it taught me some valuable lessons. First, it gave me both experience and confidence in tackling problems I had never encountered before. Second, it taught me how to work with others to solve the novel problems I faced. Problems that I could not solve on my own. I honestly think these may have been two of the most important lessons I learned in college. As I write this, I realize that I have carried this story and experience with me and have been able to draw on it when I’ve felt stuck or faced seemingly impossible odds.

I am grateful that Fr. Dobbins was the only professor that taught higher level Calculus. If I’d had a choice, I am certain I would have switched out of his class after that first semester with him. As it worked out, I had the privilege of being his student for Calculus III, IV, V, and VI. I remember in the last semester with him. He kept encouraging me to pursue advanced study in fluid dynamics or the study of how liquids and gases flow. Otherwise known as “modeling chaos.”

I chuckle to myself when I think about my career and how much of what I do with riders and horses involves finding ways to understand the turbulent and chaotic; and to then work toward bringing predictability and order to our experience and our relationships with our horses.

Father Dobbins passed away in 2008. I like to think he would be proud of my work and how I strive to embody and share the lessons that he taught me in those study sessions so many years ago. I think he would love the process I engage in with my clients where, together, we tackle the novel problems of their lives and horsemanship journeys.

I will end today with this thought—If we can effectively resolve 30% of life’s novel challenges on our own with no help from others, that is pretty darn good. For the other 70%, we can be successful when we work together with a supportive team or community.

I encourage you all to build an amazing “study group” to help you through the tough times.

~ Paul

PC -Erin Gilmore/ Erin Gilmore Photography

#Equestrian #sportpsych #equestriansportpsych #sportpsychology #equestrianlife #Community #creatingcommunity #Resilience #resourcefulness

The health of any system relies on the health of all its parts. I recently joined a FaceBook group for riding instructors. As I looked through the posts I was touched by the very real struggles that they are faced with on a daily basis. The reality in the current equestrian world is that riding instructors almost always wear multiple hats. They are often required to be competitors, accountants, bookkeepers, marketing specialists, vet techs, mechanics, landscapers, paralegals, counselors, and diplomats in addition to their role as riding instructor.

With this challenging job description, it would be easy to be seduced into thinking that teaching is the easy part, I was remembering back to my first time teaching. Right after college I taught at Catholic Memorial High School in Boston. One class in particular, Conceptual Physics (Physics without numbers), was particularly intimidating for me. I remember walking into class the first day only to be confronted with a good chunk of the football team. I am smiling at this memory. They actually sat in formation with the offensive line in the front row, the receivers on the wings, and the quarterback and running backs in the second and third rows. Keep in mind that I was 21 years old, 5’8”, 155 lbs, and looks about 12.

It was everything I could do that year to muster enough confidence to connect, lead, support, and teach those students. I remember the advice of the veteran teachers saying that it will take 3 to 5 years before it would be “easy.” I am forever grateful for all the support that I got from my peers. Some mentored me in the art of teaching. Others provided the powerfully important sense of community and personal emotional support.

There has always been a lot of talk in the equine industry about the lack of standards and training for riding instructors. Appropriately, the focus is often on fundamental knowledge of horses and riding. Many certification programs are discipline specific and capture the skills and progression unique to that discipline. What I have also noticed, and I feel drawn to address, is the lack of resources for instructors to understand how their students learn, how to effectively deal with the broad array of personalities and the strong emotions that frequently arise in this challenging sport. In addition, there are few supports for riding instructors themselves.

If the health the health of a system (equine industry) relies on the health of all its parts. It only makes sense to support the personal growth and development along with the emotional health of the industry’s most valuable resource, the riding instructor. Our team at Riding Far are actively working to develop resources that support the riding instructors and would welcome your thoughts and ideas about the best ways we can do that.

To all the riding instructors out there who are doing their best to bring up the next generation of horsemen and horsewomen, we value you… let us know how we can support you.

~ Paul

PC -Erin Gilmore/ Erin Gilmore Photography

#Equestrian #sportpsych #equestriansportpsych #sportpsychology #equestrianlife #Community #creatingcommunity #teachingskills #instructoreducation #horseinstructor #teaching #artofteaching

Earlier this week I ran across a quote that really got me thinking. It is a quote from a German Lutheran pastor, theologian and anti-Nazi dissident Dietrich Bonhoeffer and it goes like this, “The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community.” It has been floating around in the back of my consciousness ever since. It both inspires and challenges me on many levels.

Recently, Riding Far has invested in serving riding instructors and trainers by sharing our knowledge about how people learn, effective teaching practices, and helpful ways of dealing with strong emotions in ourselves and our clients. One of the essential elements of teaching and learning is creating positive learning environments. We love Timothy Clark’s Four Stages of Psychological Safety and use it as a basis for our work. It starts with inclusion safety and then moves to through safety to learn, safety to contribute, and safety to challenge the status quo. I wonder if Bonhoeffer’s reference to loving those around us is his way of creating psychological safety. An essential element of a healthy community is that it is a psychologically, emotionally, energetically, and spiritually a safe space.

When Justin and I started building Riding Far, we talked a lot about not wanting it to be a cult of personality. We have made conscious choices to build our business as a values based organization. One of our core values is our own personal growth and education. We love to share our knowledge, insights, and skill. If what we teach and share is helpful, we are delighted because we also value each and every clients’ personal growth and education. However, we are not invested in anyone doing it “the Riding Far way.” Rather, we value individuality, compassion and empathy, and the dignity of every horse and rider. We are invested in people finding their own way forward, a path that brings joy and well-being to riders and horses alike. I wonder if this is what Bonhoeffer meant by “loving those around them?”

Riding Far is currently searching for our next home. These transitions always come with challenges. But, as is always the case, each challenge presents an opportunity. One of the many opportunities in this transition is that we will likely have a facility that is wholly dedicated to our program. This is incredibly exciting, but at the same time we recognize our responsibility. We will have the responsibility for creating a culture that elevates psychological safety and fosters healthy community. We rely on you to help us guard against the kind of hubris, self-importance, and love of our own vision that Bonhoeffer warns will destroy community.

With love and respect… Paul

PC – Erin Gilmore Photography

Over the last several weeks life as been pretty busy. Of course there were the usual activities; client sessions, admin work, course development, horse development, household chores, and ballroom dancing, Then there were also a few extras. Justin and Tara got married and we hosted a delightful and relaxed rehearsal dinner for 75 people at our house (Thank you Sexi Mexi Burrito Truck). I travelled to Minnesota and Wisconsin to work with the USEA Area IV young riders and Woodloch Farm. Our AC crapped out at home. And, as I write, I am preparing to head out of town to see my other son Luke in Charlotte, NC.

As I compiled this list of things on my plate I am struck by the amazing mix of blessings, challenges, and opportunities. I realize that sometimes it is hard to tell which is which. Many of the challenges are legitimate blessings and each blessing brings with it opportunity and challenges. I often feel like I am in an enormous mixing bowl where my participation in the universe adds ingredients ranging from the essential to the exquisite to the outrageous.

Have you ever gone into the kitchen to whip something up for dinner? You can play it safe and pull out some packaged prepared food. You could grab a tried and true recipe and follow it to the letter. Or, if you are like me, you can whip something up, mixing in the ingredients you feel inspired to add. I can honestly say there are days that these creative meals are fabulous, days they are ok, and , if I am honest, every once in awhile they are inedible.

It strikes me that many riders experience their horse time in a similar way. When they look at things objectively they can see that their engagement with horses is a mix of blessings, opportunities, and challenges. In addition, most of the riders I work with experience a mix of emotions as well. They feel joy and elation at times. Fear and anxiety at other times. They experience optimism and hope, as well as pessimism and despair. Whatever the mix of feelings there is always a mix. There are times when this feels like an exciting recipe that results in a rich experience. There are times that it feels like a whirlpool threatening to suck them under.

There are many ways to approach this mixing bowl of experience and all the feelings it provokes in us. The simplest approach is to give it time. Whether you think of it like simmering a good soup that takes time to meld the favors or, you think of it in terms of energy and how all things are driven to a new balance or homeostasis, patience and time can often help us experience the richness of these hectic, challenging, and provocative periods of life.

There are also real situations in which we are in the whirlpool and not a mixing bowl. Approaching this with more patience merely threatens to pull us under. We need to approach these moments in a different way. I am reminded of a Popeye cartoon from my childhood where Popeye and Olive Oil are in a dingy, caught in a giant whirlpool. As expected, Popeye pops open a can of spinach and in one intense effort, he plunges the oars into the water and pulls against the flow of the water. The boat is launched out of the whirlpool and they are saved. I love this scene because it resonates with what I know it takes to exit out these “whirlpool” situations. It takes effort, resolve, courage, and a connection to all of our personal resourcefulness.

As I drive to NC today I am going to be reflecting on this. I know I am going to face many times in both my life and my horsemanship where I will be struggling to discern whether I am in a mixing bowl or a whirlpool. How do I know when the challenges I face are a recipe for growth and advancement and when I am facing a “whirlpool” from which I need to step back or step away? I would love to know how you discern the difference in your life with horses. ~ Paul

PC – Erin Gilmore Photography