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About Paul Haefner, Ph.D.

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So far Paul Haefner, Ph.D. has created 127 blog entries.

The Other Side of Fear

By |2024-10-20T07:56:36-04:00October 20, 2024|Categories: Sport psychology|

Justin and I will be presenting this week at the 2024 Leadership Adventures EAL Summit™ . I have given A LOT of presentations. I lost count about a decade ago but, If you count all the classes I taught during my years teaching, I am sure that the number is in the thousands. I can’t remember the last time I was really nervous about presenting. Sure, I get a butterfly or two every once in a while, but that just helps motivate me to prepare and keeps me sharp.
This conference feels different to me. Maybe it is because we are presenting to many of my old, old friends. Maybe it is because we are taking a risk to talk about ideas that guide our work; ideas that are personal and not necessarily main stream. Maybe its because we are presenting more a way of thinking/being than a concrete way of doing things. Maybe it is because Justin and I have such a prominent place in the conference program; two individual presentations and one together. Or, maybe it is because I am not just representing myself; I am representing the Riding Far team on a national stage. What ever the reason, my nervous energy is running high. I feel profoundly vulnerable.
I remember telling Justin last summer about being nervous when faced with a solid gate at a Working Equitation show. For some reason solid gates feel different to me than rope gates and I get all tensed up. He smiled at me (it was actually more of a smirk) and said, “I know a guy who could help.”
I made my choice long time ago not to play it safe in life. Vulnerability, nerves, worry, apprehension, and fear are quite simply the inevitable consequences of that choice. So now I get go to work. Center myself. Prepare my talks. Center myself. Practice my presentations. Center myself.
I ran across a quote this morning by Chase Jarvis, the author of Never Play It Safe: A Practical Guide to Freedom, Creativity, and a Life You Love.” It went like this… “All the best stuff in life is on the other side of risk, on the other side of our comfort zone, on the other side of our fears.”
Here’s to the other side… ~ Paul

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Red Sunflowers

By |2024-10-08T10:27:55-04:00October 8, 2024|Categories: Sport psychology|

This weekend I am visiting my parents. On the way I picked up some flowers as a belated birthday gift for my mother. They were red sunflowers. Quite pretty and I thought unusual.
My mother has been challenged with changes in her memory. It is hard for her to track time and she can no longer do many of the things she loved. In the face of this, she is forever joyful and kind. A loving spirit with whom I treasure every moment.
We spent time arranging the small bouquet of flowers and finding the perfect spot for us to enjoy them. This morning, when we came downstairs for coffee, my mother told me that the water in the flowers had turned pink. We marveled at how beautiful it made the vase.
So many people say, “Everything happens for a reason.” Or, “It’s all part of God’s plan.” I chaff at these cliches because I really don’t believe in predetermination or fate. I do believe that life is full of twists and turns. I know both from my work with thousands of people over the last 35+ years, as well as through my personal experience, that life is hard for everyone. I know that our path is uncertain and we are not guaranteed anything.
What I do believe is that, with the pain and difficulty, there is also beauty and wonder and surprise and joy in life if we fully engage and are present. Whether we are talking about our horses, our families, our work, or our passions.
I am challenged this morning to set aside my incessant, self-absorbed worries and my desire to control everything. And, instead, step into each moment with the same kind of wonder and joy that my mother channels everyday. In that way, when the unexpected happens, I might notice when the water turns pink and marvel at its beauty.
Will you join me. ~ Paul

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On Balance

By |2024-09-30T10:59:46-04:00September 30, 2024|Categories: Sport psychology|

This weekend I am sitting in an AirBnB in Charlotte, NC. My wife and I are visiting my son Luke to celebrate his 22nd birthday. It felt great to wrap my arms around him in a bear hug and chat and laugh over a meal. He opened gifts and we played with one of his new tools disassembling a 100 year old banjo that he wants to restore. We talked about life and work and school and football and politics. We shared stories of our adventures over the last month. As I settled into bed last night I felt restored.
Sitting down this morning to write, my wife made an offhand comment. “Don’t you ever take a vacation?” It got me thinking about work-life balance and what that really means. One thing I know for sure is that it does not mean work, rest, and recreation in equal measure. It is not a simple equation.
I watched a video the other day of a man building a cairn, a stack of rocks which mark a trail. It was the most exquisite and precarious stack I my have ever seen. It took extreme patience to find the balance point and any small deviation sent the stack tumbling.
I would rather think of my balance as far more robust. Wide flat rocks. One atop the other on a solid flat base. A balance where each part supports the others and no one thing stands alone.
It restores me, makes me feel good, to have taken the time to share a few thoughts with you this morning. But, I will be brief because a walk with my wife, coffee at Starbucks, and a brunch with my son awaits me.
How do you think about balance in your life? ~ Paul

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Butterflies and Butter Knives

By |2024-09-12T18:12:20-04:00September 12, 2024|Categories: Sport psychology|

I woke up this morning to a poem in my Facebook feed. It is called Butter Knife and was written and read by Hollie McNish. Her introduction to the poem is almost as inspiring as the poem itself. Both celebrate how absolutely totally f**king amazing this world is and how, when we make the effort to learn about it, everything (yes even all the stuff we thing of as disgusting) is actually miraculous.
She talks about the transformation of caterpillars to butterflies and how we can turn experience into tears and laughter. And, of course she reflects on her butter knife which is “actually” a cheese knife. Or, is it? So often things are transformed into what we say they are and how we use and honor them.
Yesterday we started our latest Fresh Start Clinic series. Six amazing humans and six amazing horses. I often feel the weight of responsibility to teach and guide during these clinics. While I will always strive to bring my best self each day, I was reminded this morning my job is not to impart my knowledge, to heal, or fix, or change. Not to decide if they should be a cheese knife or a jam knife or a butter knife or a butterfly but rather to allow them (horse and human) to discover, transform, and unleash their own potential. ~ Paul

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On Loving Transitions

By |2024-09-03T15:15:32-04:00September 3, 2024|Categories: Sport psychology|

One of my horsemanship mentors along the way talked about “a million transitions” as they extolled the power of transitions to make everything better. I was reminded of this yesterday. First, in our lesson with Stephanie Jennings and again later in the day as one of my long term clients transitioned to a new adventure which meant ending our work together.
I have watched Justin grow with Kola and have been there with him as he has struggled at times to find the best path forward. While their path forward has not always been seamless and smooth, I know that Justin has been driven by a deep and abiding love for this horse. While Justin worked on walk-trot transitions in order to help Kola’s canter departs, it got me thinking how the relationship seems to be the secret ingredient that makes transitions powerful.
Yesterday afternoon I said “good-bye for now” to a client of 13 years. I care deeply for my clients. Yes, even love them. It is who I am and I would not have it any other way. It is only by finding the courage to love that I find the strength to truly care for my clients. At times, this means sharing an uncomfortable “truth.” At other times, it means creating and/or holding space for them to struggle, explore, grow, and choose their path. At times, it means letting them go. And, it always means putting their needs in front of my own.
The nature of my role as a psychologist inevitably leads to transitions in my relationships with my clients. Whether that relationship is a few sessions or a few months or many years, when it ends I always experience a complex and rich mix of feelings. From joy, pride, and excitement at my clients growth and accomplishments; to frustration when they make choices that I see may lead to more pain; to a genuine sense of loss when they spread their wings and fly on their own. I feel it all. It is simply and profoundly human that when we love, we feel deeply.
While our horses are not human, we are. As we enter into relationships with our horses, it seems to work out best when we enter those relationships with deep caring and love. Not the cloying, grasping, self-serving kind of love that is about making ourselves feel good. Rather, the kind of love that demands courage. Love that honors, respects, and seeks the best for those we love.
Watching Justin with Kola grow together is a powerful inspiration for me. It is a reminder every day of what is possible when one commits to loving courageously. I am inspired to continued my pursuit of this kind of love with my clients and my horses. I know this will make my life and the life of others richer and all the transitions better. ~ Paul

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Front-loading Gratitude

By |2024-08-26T10:36:15-04:00August 26, 2024|Categories: Sport psychology|

It has long been my practice to express my gratitude to my horses as I turn them out after a ride. It is an easy way to connect to gratitude as I am profoundly grateful for each horse, both as a being and for their willingness to partner with me (or at least tolerate my fumbling about). Last Monday, in our Casually Chaotic Conversation, I set my intention to change it up a bit. Instead of just connecting to gratitude after a ride, I committed to connect to gratitude before even approaching my horses in the pasture. I have to say I was blown away by the results of the shift.
By connecting to my gratitude up front, the entire focus of my gratitude shifted away from outcomes to potential and process. It turns out that I am a much kinder, more thoughtful, more attentive and more patient partner when I am in a grateful space. I dare say I experienced significantly more feel and had marginally better timing. I felt more connected and fully alive during each ride, even when things didn’t go as planned.
We talk all the time about the enormous power of initial conditions as they affect the unfolding of a ride or interaction with your horse. If you don’t already, I strongly encourage you try this shift with me. Connect to gratitude as you reach out to your horse before your ride and let us know how things change. ~ Paul
PC – @ErinGilmorePhotography @eringilmorephotos

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Reverie

By |2024-08-11T23:01:21-04:00August 11, 2024|Categories: Sport psychology|

There are some weeks that I sit to write and nothing comes to mind. I have come to treasure those times because in those moments I can allow my mind to wander. Reverie or time for mind wandering is such a gift. It can take us on adventures to lost worlds within ourselves or lead us to new discoveries of self, others and the world. Recently, a morning moment of reverie invited me to fly above my experience and see a pattern of my behavior across time, across my lifetime actually.
Many of you may know that Justin and I are working to grow Riding Far. When we committed to support the positive changes in our industry toward honoring the dignity of horse and rider in all things equestrian, we knew that meant building an organization of passionate, like-minded people. We knew we wanted to grow Riding Far and, grow our connections and relationships with the world of horses.
Like any great adventure there are road blocks and detours along the way. What I noticed the other morning is that my reflexive reaction to these bumps in the road, large and small, is to immediately feel stressed. And, my reflexive reaction to being stressed is to feel upset; sad or anxious or angry. In my reverie, I got curious. Why, when I am fully aware that I will meet challenges along my path, when accepting and overcoming these challenges brings me closer to my goals, do I still react with the same types of distress I have felt throughout my life?
I have decided I am going to play at changing this. While I will continue to used the tried and true strategies like gratitude and mindfulness, I am going to tackle this in a different way. I am going to make some room, both by myself and with those I love, to engage in reverie. I am going to take a step back and let my mind wonder and wander. I look forward sharing more insights and changes that I am sure to stumble over along the way.
Curious how you might use the gift of reverie in your life? ~ Paul

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Best Practices

By |2024-08-06T17:54:49-04:00August 6, 2024|Categories: Sport psychology|

I used to start all my presentations, seminars and clinics with a statement of gratitude. I thanked the group for the opportunity talk because it gave me an chance to reflect on my thoughts, feelings, knowledge and experience since the last time I spoke on that topic. I was always amazed at how much I learned in the in-between times. It didn’t seem to matter if it had been a week or a month or a year. There was always a new revelation, insight, or nugget of knowledge.
As I have become busier, I stopped that practice. I don’t know exactly when and I don’t know why. All I know is that it popped into my awareness this week as I was preparing for the Emotions in the Arena clinic.
I have been reading a book recommended by my friend Mike Simmons called “Look Again: The power of noticing what was always there.” Funny enough it opened my eyes to an amazingly important and powerful piece of the ways we can overcome fear and anxiety. It is a piece that I have always know and has been hiding in plain sight. I just had not noticed it. My new awareness of the powerful impact of habituation, both positive and negative, was incredibly exciting to me and will be an important part of what I present in future clinics.
One of the blessings of this realization is that is was just a starting point. It ignited in me a reflective curiosity that I used to experience all the time. A curiosity that energized the question, “What have I learned and how have I grown?” We talk about “best practices” all of the time. We usually are referring to the best way to do a job like teaching or training. I am inspired to think about “best practices” as those practices which bring out the best in myself.
I will start Emotions in the Arena a week from Monday with a statement of gratitude, simply because the opportunity to prepare and teach this course is and has been an opportunity to connect and continue to create my best self.
What are your best practices? ~ Paul

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Are We Well?

By |2024-08-04T17:45:38-04:00August 4, 2024|Categories: Sport psychology|

I have been in a reflective mood recently. Not really brooding reflection as I am sometimes prone to do but simply curious. I am like the little kid who repeatedly asks the question, “But why?,” over and over again.
One thing that has puzzled me is why we think about health and wellness in such fractured way. We will all have our own examples. We look for answers in different corners of our worlds when the “answer” is likely to be multifaceted.
The other thing that has made my puzzler sore is why we so often invest our energies in fixing problems that arise rather than focusing on creating overall wellness; wellness in our world, industry, communities, relationships, and in ourselves and our endeavors. How is it that wellness gets so easily lost?
One of the things I love about being a horseman in today’s world is the focus on equine wellness. Whether it is in shifting our training to more relational methods, implementing new understanding from the study equine neurology and biomechanics, or shifting our approaches to how we care for our equine partners outside of the time we are riding, competing or training.
More and more I am convinced that this is a crucial shift. Shifting our mindset towards prioritizing overall wellness. Not just wellness in our horses but wellness in ourselves… an EQUAL investment. Our sport naturally involves a deep connection between us and our horses, highlighting the importance of mutual well-being. By focusing on wellness, we can boost our performance, strengthen our bonds with our horses, bolster our joy, and set an example for the broader community.
What if we committed to caring for ourselves and our horses in equal measure? What would it take to make sure we and our horses get proper nutrition, regular exercise, and adequate rest?. Could we invest equally in injury prevention and management—whether it’s booking that physio appointment or ensuring you and your horse gets regular check-ups and treatments. By making physical wellness a priority, we can stay at the top of our game.
I don’t think I will ever really understand why our mental and emotional wellness gets so easily overlook. So much attention is paid to how our emotional state affects our horses. And, an enormous amount of time, energy and money is spent trying to help our horses find peace. We talk a lot about the pressures of competition and training, but I know that life by its nature is difficult. It is full of stressors. Investment in a healthy mind and heart helps with focus, decision-making, and overall enjoyment of the sport and life (for you and your horse). Investing in mental and emotional wellbeing and nurturing a positive mindset can enhance our performance and make the journey more enjoyable for both us and our horses.
Finally, we can’t forget our relationships. Our equestrian community is a vital part of our wellness. Building strong, supportive relationships with fellow riders, trainers, as well with our family and friends fosters a sense of belonging and mutual support. Participating in community activities, sharing knowledge, and helping each other through challenges can create a nurturing environment that benefits everyone.
I know some might find this funny to hear this but the same is true for our equine partners. Our horses are social creatures as well. They benefit from many of the same community supports. While they have little say in how we manage their care, yet our approach to caring for them can have a huge impact. It only makes sense to invest in fostering strong, consistent, positive relationships with and between our horses.
So before I stop puzzling I have one more question for you. What would it take for you to make investment in overall wellness your default setting? I really want to know. ~ Paul

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Again and Again and Again

By |2024-07-29T10:07:44-04:00July 29, 2024|Categories: Sport psychology|

It happened again three times this week. I listened as riders shared their story of being verbally abused or shamed by their trainers. While some trainers ride that line between being demanding and tipping over the edge into abuse, some have clearly jumped off the cliff. I admit that my sample is skewed by the nature of the work I do. I know and trust that there are many, many instructors (perhaps the majority) that treat their students with kindness and respect. Yet, there remains in the culture of the equestrian world a harshness or hardness that is seen by some to be “just what {their students} need” but often has the opposite effect, destroying a rider’s confidence and joy.
I have been a psychologist and psychotherapist for over 30 years. I have worked as a sport psychologist with equestrians for over 20 years. I have said it before and I will say it again, I don’t know of any study that has shown shaming or verbal abuse to be an effective coaching strategy. Worried that I might have missed something, I did a little research and here is what I found.
Top 15 research supported coaching behaviors related to enhanced performance:
Providing Clear Feedback: Giving specific, actionable feedback helps athletes understand their strengths and areas for improvement.
Setting Clear Goals: Establishing specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) goals to guide performance and development.
Building Trust and Rapport: Creating a positive and supportive relationship with athletes to foster a trusting environment.
Effective Communication: Using clear, concise, and open communication to ensure athletes understand instructions and expectations.
Motivational Techniques: Utilizing methods to inspire and motivate athletes, such as positive reinforcement, encouragement, and recognizing achievements.
Technical and Tactical Instruction: Providing detailed instruction on techniques and strategies to improve performance.
Emotional Intelligence: Understanding and managing both the coach’s and athletes’ emotions to maintain a positive training environment.
Adaptability: Being flexible and able to adjust coaching methods to fit the needs and abilities of individual athletes.
Encouraging Self-Reflection: Promoting self-assessment and reflection to help athletes understand their own performance and develop self-improvement strategies.
Developing Autonomy: Encouraging athletes to take ownership of their training and decision-making processes.
Creating a Positive Learning Environment: Fostering an environment that encourages learning, creativity, and risk-taking without fear of failure.
Managing Stress and Pressure: Teaching athletes techniques to cope with stress and pressure, both in training and competition.
Attention to Individual Needs: Recognizing and addressing the unique needs and circumstances of each athlete.
Promoting Team Cohesion: Building a sense of unity and collaboration among team members.
Continuous Learning and Development: Committing to ongoing education and professional development to stay updated with the latest coaching techniques and sports science.
On a personal note, listening to these stories is the most difficult part of my job. It is difficult because I know how easily it could be different for coaches and students alike. I have always felt that the best ways to change culture is through connection, living my values and building positive relationships with like minded people. If you are struggling as a student or a coach we want to help you find a positive path forward. ~ Paul

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