In preparation for our next webinar, I started reading a new book on boundaries. There are hundreds of books on the subject, and I wasn’t sure where to begin or what to look for in my next read. What I did know was that I didn’t want another book offering advice on how and when to say “no.” It’s not that learning to say no isn’t important, but setting limits like that naturally grows from having healthy boundaries. I wanted to understand how to nurture those boundaries, not just teach people how to act as if they already had them.

As I scanned through titles, one stood out because of its subtitle: “Where You End and I Begin.” It captured the idea of boundaries in a way that, for me, inspired both curiosity and wonder. Physically, it is easy to grasp the boundary between you and me. Yet in almost every other way, whether emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, or energetically, it becomes profoundly difficult to define.

One way we recognize a boundary is through conflict. Let’s call these the “no’s” in a relationship. These inevitable conflicts arise from the simple fact of difference: different ideas, different interests, different strategies to meet our needs.

In the world of horses, there has been growing attention to seeing and respecting the “no.” Noticing these moments of conflict is essential, but is simply honoring the “no” enough to develop healthy boundaries? To me, it seems like the easy way out to simply withdraw, separate, or put up a wall whenever we recognize a “no.”

Boundaries require both a you and a me. They are dynamic and come alive in interaction. All the rich qualities of relationship, such as respect, honor, trust, dignity, love, care, and concern, emerge from the search for the “yes,” not from merely respecting the “no.”

There are parts of the horse world that are focused entirely on the “no” these days. It is an understandable correction for all the times when the boundary between human and horse has been bulldozed by human needs and desires. But we must be careful not to swing too far in the other direction and lose the beauty and magic that exist in the boundary itself.

Saying no, or stopping when we see a no, is easy. Finding a yes is what truly counts, especially if we want to live in healthy relationship with one another and with our horses. Let us seek that energetic, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and dynamic interplay of self and other as we discover a true yes that respects and honors all the beings with whom we share this world.

How have you and your horses found a mutual yes?

~ Paul

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