Well over twenty years ago, I was trained in the art and methods of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a collection of change-oriented techniques developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder. While many of these strategies have been enormously helpful to my clients, a few simple ideas pack the biggest punch. One of them is what they called the Law of Positive Intent.

Simply put, the idea is that behind every behavior or statement is a positive intention, even if the behavior itself is ineffective, harmful, or poorly expressed. In other words, when we or others do unhelpful, frustrating, or hurtful things, the underlying motive is often understandable or self-protective.

Examples from our riding lives are easy to find. I think of myself when I am overriding. Pulling on the reins, body full of tension, heels creeping up in an effort to use more leg. The resulting picture is one of imbalance, conflict, and tension between me and my horse. Yet it is easy to imagine, or at least I hope so, that I am simply trying to create quality movement or avoid failure. Helpful? No. Understandable? Yes.

We all know about human biases. One prominent example is the actor-observer bias. This is our tendency to judge ourselves by our intentions and circumstances, while judging others by their actions and assumed traits. When this dynamic becomes hurtful or unproductive, it is still easy to understand why it happens. Humans are meaning-makers. We try to understand the world using the information available to us. We have access to our own internal states, but not to those of others. We only see their behavior.

Becoming aware of these biases and intentionally looking for positive intent in ourselves and in others can be a game changer. It allows us to reframe situations in ways that reduce conflict, improve communication, build trust, and create better strategies for meeting needs. This does not excuse harmful behavior. We can acknowledge positive intent while still setting clear boundaries and holding ourselves and others accountable.

Join me in playing with this idea in the coming week. Take a frustrating situation or interaction and apply the Law of Positive Intent to yourself and to others. Separate intention from behavior. Name the positive intention the behavior or words might be serving. Then consider what other strategies could meet the same need. As you do, notice what begins to shift. ~ Paul

#PsychSaturday #RidingFar #LawOfPositiveIntent #PositiveIntent #MindsetMatters #SelfAwareness #HumanBehavior #PersonalGrowth

My family has always celebrated Christmas. Filling Christmas stockings with treats and small gifts is one of our favorite traditions. As I was opening mine this year, one small, thin packet caught my eye. It stood out from the usual stocking fare. It was light, flat, and made no perceptible sound when shaken.

I was surprised to find a packet of Breadtopia dried sourdough starter inside. I love to cook, and I am endlessly curious about how different foods are made. Still, I never expected the gift of sourdough. Three days later, I baked my first loaf.

As I read the paper or scroll through social media, the new year inevitably brings a flood of retrospectives on the past and exhortations toward goals and resolutions for the future. At times, I find these reflections helpful and enlightening. Recently, though, I have become more aware of how easily they can limit our experience and quietly strangle creativity if we are not careful.

I see this every day in my work in the horse world. Riders get locked in. Locked into a discipline. Locked into a trainer. Locked into competitive or performance goals. Locked into a specific philosophy or perspective on the horse.

In psychology, there is a concept known as top-down processing. This is the tendency to filter experience through existing knowledge, ideas, plans, and learned procedures. It can be enormously useful because it is efficient. It helps us select what seems important in our environment and organize our behaviors and responses accordingly.

In contrast, there is bottom-up processing. Here, experience is taken in with far fewer filters, making room for awe and wonder. Meaning, understanding, and response emerge from the experience itself rather than being imposed upon it. While profoundly inefficient, this mode allows for a depth of creativity and an expansion of consciousness that predetermined frameworks simply cannot offer.

Much of my last twenty-plus years with horses has been devoted to developing this bottom-up way of being. I have often been told that I needed clearer goals or that I was wasting my horses’ potential. What those voices did not know is that I spent my first thirty years with horses deeply immersed in traditional knowledge, skill acquisition, and competitive ambition. I gained a great deal from that education, but in the end it left me feeling frustrated and empty.

We talk often about living in the present. Sourdough has become a surprisingly rich reminder of what that truly means. Each loaf, bun, bagel, or pretzel anchors me in the moment and reminds me of the vast world of possibility that opens when I do. Two weeks ago, I never would have imagined that I would be nurturing a yeast culture and baking bread today.

Here is wishing that everyone finds their own “sourdough” as we enter the wide and open opportunity of a new year. ~ Paul

#PsychSaturday 

#RidingFar 

#BottomUpProcessing

#TopDownProcessing

#PsychologyInPractice

#MindfulLiving

#CreativeProcess

#PresenceOverPerformance

#CuriosityAndGrowth

#EmbodiedAwareness

#HorseHumanConnection

#PersonalGrowthJourney

#EverydayPhilosophy

#FindingYourSourdough

When I write on Saturday morning, you will usually find me holding one of two coffee mugs. One has a picture of me and my horse Nubble hanging out in front of the barn. The other holds two pictures of my sons. The first is Justin and Luke at about five and two years old. The second is from Justin’s wedding a little over two years ago. The caption on the mug reads, “Then… and now.”

This mug touches my heart in so many ways. Of course, there is the emotional tug, the deep love I have for my sons, and the pride and joy I feel as I watch who they are becoming. It also reminds me of one of the core roles I have played in people’s lives as a therapist over the past 38 years.

We talk a lot about grit, skills, and strategies. We talk about doing the work and challenging ourselves as pathways to growth. Yet none of these are enough if we continue to look at ourselves and our lives through the same old lens.

There are many ways to help shift perspective, but two stand out as especially meaningful.

The first is belief. When someone does not believe they can change, I often offer to let them borrow my belief in them until they are ready to carry it themselves.

My belief in my clients and their capacity to change is not sentimental fluff. It is hard earned. It has grown through decades of work and through bearing witness to the resilience and brilliance of people facing some of life’s most difficult challenges.

The second shift is becoming a more accurate historian of your own life. One thing we know is that people are terrible evaluators of their own progress. No matter how far we have come, there is a strong pull to dismiss all of it after a bad day or a rough patch.

In those moments, I help my clients step back and remember where they started. I remind them of the growth and change that has already taken place. Sometimes those shifts are big and obvious. Other times they are small and subtle. All of them matter.

When you begin a journey, whatever that journey may be, I encourage you to take a snapshot of where you are starting. Let it be as detailed as a photograph in sharp focus. As you move forward, you or a trusted partner can take more snapshots along the way. Over time, you will have the pieces to create your own “Then… and now.”

Perspective matters. ~ Paul

PC – Erin Gilmore Photography

#PsychSaturday 

#RidingFar 

#ThenAndNow

#PerspectiveMatters

#GrowthJourney

#TherapyWorks

#BeliefInChange

#MentalHealthMatters

#PersonalGrowth

#HealingJourney

#ProgressNotPerfection

#Resilience

#TherapistLife

#MindsetShift

#EmotionalHealth

A story crossed my Facebook feed this morning from The Plaid Horse Blog. It was a heartbreaking piece by Jamie Sindell about her daughter’s devastating experience with a show barn and the difficult choices she faced as a mother trying to protect her children from toxicity in the sport.

As a Sport Psychologist, I have worked with countless families, children, and teens who have lived through similar experiences. My heart breaks each time I hear that familiar story. The pride of being chosen as special, the warmth and joy of having one’s ability recognized, and the promise of opportunity often erode into confidence crushing coaching. The details change, yet the core is often the same; shaming, character attacks, pressure tactics, and guilt induction. Sometimes these behaviors appear in the disguise of motivation. Other times there is no disguise at all.

The universal reaction from people who genuinely love the sport is outrage, and rightfully so. There are calls for protections, stronger oversight from organizations such as USEF and SafeSport, and more rigorous instructor certifications. These legislative solutions matter, yet it is equally important to recognize that these painful stories are not tied to one discipline or corner of equestrian sport.

They are a human problem. They are rooted in cultural inertia and destructive beliefs that have been carried forward not only in equestrian sport but across athletics as a whole. In truth, they reach even farther. They show up in our politics, our businesses, our schools, and often in the intimate spaces of family life and parenting.

I have seen shadows of these toxic coaching and motivational strategies in nearly every part of our world. I have seen them even in the dark corners of institutions that aspire to be beacons of light in the world. At times I have felt them in my own heart. Like so many of us, I was raised in a world that celebrated these destructive methods under the guise of mental toughness and competitive spirit.

If you have worked with me for any meaningful length of time, you have heard me say that change is an additive process. Change in the equestrian world is no different. We will not transform our sport by trying to eliminate the problem alone, whether through legislation or any other method. We need to focus on what we will do instead. We need to champion the values, attitudes, and behaviors we want to see in our community and then challenge ourselves to live those values in every interaction.

Let us create education for coaches that offers truly effective ways to build confidence and support the psychological and emotional wellness of both riders and horses, alongside the technical skills of each discipline. Let us celebrate the coaches and trainers who lift their riders and horses up. And let us help parents learn how to support their young equestrians and become more discerning consumers. Through these efforts, and many others, we can shift the culture from toxic to nurturing.

I deeply believe that the most effective path to change lies in identifying and focusing on what we want rather than what we do not want. When we flood the equestrian world with positive, value based strategies, healthy behaviors, and supportive relationships, we illuminate the dark corners of our industry and leave less and less space for toxicity to take hold. ~Paul

PC – Erin Gilmore Photography

#RidingFar #PsychSaturday #EquestrianCommunity #SportPsychology #EquestrianWellness #HealthySportCulture #StopToxicCoaching #PositiveCoaching #RiderMentalHealth #BarnCulture #HorseSport #RiderWellbeing #EquestrianLife #EquestrianParents #YouthSports #ProtectOurKids #SafeSport #RiderConfidence #SupportYoungAthletes #ChangeTheCulture #LeadWithValues #BuildNotBreak #MentalWellnessMatters #CommunityOverCompetition #KindnessInSport #EquestriansForChange #RideKind #EquestrianAdvocacy #HorseWorld #ThePlaidHorse

Psych Saturday: Time

I remember being eleven or twelve, counting down the days to summer vacation. Those eight to ten weeks felt like a joyful eternity, time to ride, fish, play, and be with friends and family.

I remember my early thirties, just after finishing grad school, when life stretched out like a boundless horizon. Time felt abundant then. There was room to dream, to build, to become whoever I wanted to be. I never questioned whether there would be enough time. It felt infinite.

And then I woke up this morning, on the first day of my 64th year on this great blue marble hurtling once again around the sun, and something felt different. I am acutely aware now that my time is limited. Limited time to learn and grow. Limited time to connect, share, and teach. Limited time to play and celebrate with friends and loved ones.

I am sure the cadence of time has not changed. The clock has not sped up. And yet, somehow, it feels different. It slips by more quickly. There seems to be less of it.

I could focus on the downside of that realization, on the shrinking runway. I could despair about how little time I may have left or judge myself for what I did not accomplish in the first 63 years. I could linger in regret over time wasted or piddled away on nonsense.
But this morning, I am drawn instead to gratitude.

Gratitude for the life I have lived, the work I have done, and the relationships that anchor me. Gratitude for each moment, each week, day, hour, and minute. Holding every sliver of time as something precious.

And I find myself wondering: What would it be like to live each day this way, to treat every moment as a gift and not a guarantee?

Will you join me? ~Paul

#RidingFar #PsychSaturday #MindfulAging #TimeAndMeaning #GratitudePractice #LifeReflections #GrowingOlder #MindfulnessJourney #MentalHealthMatters #WisdomInAging #CherishTheMoment #PresenceOverPerfection #IntentionalLiving #GratefulHeart #LifeOnPurpose