WE SUPPORT, CHALLENGE AND INSPIRE EQUESTRIANS
We hope you will enjoy our insights in the forms of Casual Conversations, videos and articles aimed at helping the equestrian transform their relationships with their horses. We are passionate about sharing our knowledge, tips, tricks, and experiences.
Sentiment Override
Did you know that my specialization in graduate school was marital communication? Throughout my career, I have had the both the challenge and joy of working with couples to improve their relationships. I have discovered so many parallels between the behaviors that predict relationship satisfaction in human relationships and those that predict success in human-horse relationships. Maybe it’s worth doing a whole series just on that.
Recently, I have been thinking about one relationship superpower, positive sentiment override (PSO), and how I could leverage it to keep me positively engaged when life is busy and feels challenging. PSO refers to the response in an interaction when our partner does something objectively negative, like a criticize us. Rather than responding in kind, our response is either neutral or positive helping us avoid a whirlpool of negativity.
Like so many helpful behavioral patterns, PSO generally happens spontaneously. It is not something that is planned for, or worked on. Yet, to get it working for us in either our own relationships, our relationships with our horse, or in our lives in general, we have to make a conscious effort.
There is the behavioral side. Awareness – Interrupting Negative Patterns – Choosing and Inserting an Adaptive Behaviors – Lather, Rinse, Repeat. This takes commitment and effort. Then… there is the sentiment side. Sentiment override can go either way. How do we keep it positive?
I know for me it is about building positivity and affection by noticing the good moments, practicing gratitude, and fostering curiosity and playfulness. I commit to this in my relationships with family, work mates, horses, and my life in general.
I am not always successful. Sometimes I take the bait and get lost in negative cycles within myself and with others. But, I believe deeply that it is worth the effort. Will you join me? What do you do to grow positivity and affection in important relationships in your life? ~ Paul
PC – @eringilmorephotos Erin Gilmore Photography
Recently, I have been thinking about one relationship superpower, positive sentiment override (PSO), and how I could leverage it to keep me positively engaged when life is busy and feels challenging. PSO refers to the response in an interaction when our partner does something objectively negative, like a criticize us. Rather than responding in kind, our response is either neutral or positive helping us avoid a whirlpool of negativity.
Like so many helpful behavioral patterns, PSO generally happens spontaneously. It is not something that is planned for, or worked on. Yet, to get it working for us in either our own relationships, our relationships with our horse, or in our lives in general, we have to make a conscious effort.
There is the behavioral side. Awareness – Interrupting Negative Patterns – Choosing and Inserting an Adaptive Behaviors – Lather, Rinse, Repeat. This takes commitment and effort. Then… there is the sentiment side. Sentiment override can go either way. How do we keep it positive?
I know for me it is about building positivity and affection by noticing the good moments, practicing gratitude, and fostering curiosity and playfulness. I commit to this in my relationships with family, work mates, horses, and my life in general.
I am not always successful. Sometimes I take the bait and get lost in negative cycles within myself and with others. But, I believe deeply that it is worth the effort. Will you join me? What do you do to grow positivity and affection in important relationships in your life? ~ Paul
PC – @eringilmorephotos Erin Gilmore Photography
When Things Go Awry
Last week when I was taking a lesson in preparation for my second working equitation show. Nubble started stepping short on her left hind. It gradually got worse, and then we noticed an odd swelling on her hindquarters on the left side near her hip. I knew it wasn’t there before we started the lesson. I jumped off, trailered her home, consulted with my vet and made a plan to care for her.
As things settled down I realized I needed to make a decision about her upcoming competition. I decided to evaluate the situation as we got closer to the show and, ultimately, Nubble’s lameness resolved quickly. I decided to attend the show with a modified plan. I made accommodations including more walking in my warm up and walking the parts of the obstacle course that would potentially stress her left hind. I also recruited Justin to watch carefully and let me know if he noticed any signs of unsoundness since he would see it before I might feel it.
Nubble was brilliant. Me not so much. (Did you know that if you forget to salute the judge before your Ease of Handling course and that you get docked 5 points? I do now!!!)
Last week, I talked about reverie and my intention to take a step back and allow my curiosity to wander in wonder, and that is what I did with this experience with my mare. I took the opportunity to explore my thoughts, reactions, and responses especially when I thought I might need to scratch Nubble from the competition. I was struck by the myriad of thoughts and emotions that surfaced when she came up lame just before a show. Naturally, I was worried about her, but there was also a part of me that was frustrated about potentially missing the competition. I found myself justifying ways to push through for my own gratification.
It was humbling and a bit frightening how easily my thoughts went to the dark side. Thinking about honoring my frustration rather than my values. It made me realize how easily I could get wrapped up in my own petty needs, even when the stakes are so low. I can only imagine the pressures in higher-stakes situations or if I didn’t have a strongly supportive community that prioritizes the welfare of the horse.
We make choices for our horses. Some times those choices serve our selfish interests but often, even when they fall short, they are driven by well-meaning intentions. As riders and caretakers, we educate ourselves, striving to ensure the welfare of our horses while engaging in the activities we love. It is so easy to judge each other and the choices we make, especially in this day and age of social media. However, these polarized debates over-simplify the issues and mask a more complex and less discussed aspect: namely, the internal processes of the humans involved.
Sure we can attempt to solve our problems by making more rules regarding horse welfare. There is certainly a place for this. But, I can’t help but wonder how much more quickly things might change for us and for our horses if we made an equal investment in understanding the people. An investment in understanding the impact of modern competition and training on equestrians young and old. An investment in exploring the internal struggles of both recreational and competitive equestrians, especially those who miss the mark. An investment in seeking and sharing knowledge regarding best practices in all corners of the equestrian world with particular attention to upper level competition. An investment in creating a culture that champions respect and the dignity of all sentient beings. And lastly, an investment in strong mutually supportive communities within and across disciplines.
The key issue here is not just about setting and enforcing rules but understanding the human element involved in these decisions. More than ever, I believe that the psychological community has a significant role to play in the equestrian world—not just in enhancing performance, addressing performance nerves, or treating emotional difficulties but in helping individuals and communities understand their internal processes.
I believe there is a pressing need for psychology professionals to partner with the equestrian community beyond the scope of traditional sport psychology. I am convinced that the integration of psychology professionals into the equestrian community is essential. This partnership can provide the tools and support needed to navigate the complex emotional landscape of horse care and competition, ultimately leading to healthier and more ethical practices within the industry. By focusing on knowledge, values, and community, we can foster an environment that supports better decision-making for both people and horses alike.
As always, I am open to and interested in your thoughts. ~ Paul
#toughchoices #judgments #gettingtothecoreoftheissue #equestrian #equestrianlife #sportpsych #equestriansportpsych #sportpsychology #equestriansportpsychology
Last week when I was taking a lesson in preparation for my second working equitation show. Nubble started stepping short on her left hind. It gradually got worse, and then we noticed an odd swelling on her hindquarters on the left side near her hip. I knew it wasn’t there before we started the lesson. I jumped off, trailered her home, consulted with my vet and made a plan to care for her.
As things settled down I realized I needed to make a decision about her upcoming competition. I decided to evaluate the situation as we got closer to the show and, ultimately, Nubble’s lameness resolved quickly. I decided to attend the show with a modified plan. I made accommodations including more walking in my warm up and walking the parts of the obstacle course that would potentially stress her left hind. I also recruited Justin to watch carefully and let me know if he noticed any signs of unsoundness since he would see it before I might feel it.
Nubble was brilliant. Me not so much. (Did you know that if you forget to salute the judge before your Ease of Handling course and that you get docked 5 points? I do now!!!)
Last week, I talked about reverie and my intention to take a step back and allow my curiosity to wander in wonder, and that is what I did with this experience with my mare. I took the opportunity to explore my thoughts, reactions, and responses especially when I thought I might need to scratch Nubble from the competition. I was struck by the myriad of thoughts and emotions that surfaced when she came up lame just before a show. Naturally, I was worried about her, but there was also a part of me that was frustrated about potentially missing the competition. I found myself justifying ways to push through for my own gratification.
It was humbling and a bit frightening how easily my thoughts went to the dark side. Thinking about honoring my frustration rather than my values. It made me realize how easily I could get wrapped up in my own petty needs, even when the stakes are so low. I can only imagine the pressures in higher-stakes situations or if I didn’t have a strongly supportive community that prioritizes the welfare of the horse.
We make choices for our horses. Some times those choices serve our selfish interests but often, even when they fall short, they are driven by well-meaning intentions. As riders and caretakers, we educate ourselves, striving to ensure the welfare of our horses while engaging in the activities we love. It is so easy to judge each other and the choices we make, especially in this day and age of social media. However, these polarized debates over-simplify the issues and mask a more complex and less discussed aspect: namely, the internal processes of the humans involved.
Sure we can attempt to solve our problems by making more rules regarding horse welfare. There is certainly a place for this. But, I can’t help but wonder how much more quickly things might change for us and for our horses if we made an equal investment in understanding the people. An investment in understanding the impact of modern competition and training on equestrians young and old. An investment in exploring the internal struggles of both recreational and competitive equestrians, especially those who miss the mark. An investment in seeking and sharing knowledge regarding best practices in all corners of the equestrian world with particular attention to upper level competition. An investment in creating a culture that champions respect and the dignity of all sentient beings. And lastly, an investment in strong mutually supportive communities within and across disciplines.
The key issue here is not just about setting and enforcing rules but understanding the human element involved in these decisions. More than ever, I believe that the psychological community has a significant role to play in the equestrian world—not just in enhancing performance, addressing performance nerves, or treating emotional difficulties but in helping individuals and communities understand their internal processes.
I believe there is a pressing need for psychology professionals to partner with the equestrian community beyond the scope of traditional sport psychology. I am convinced that the integration of psychology professionals into the equestrian community is essential. This partnership can provide the tools and support needed to navigate the complex emotional landscape of horse care and competition, ultimately leading to healthier and more ethical practices within the industry. By focusing on knowledge, values, and community, we can foster an environment that supports better decision-making for both people and horses alike.
As always, I am open to and interested in your thoughts. ~ Paul
#toughchoices #judgments #gettingtothecoreoftheissue #equestrian #equestrianlife #sportpsych #equestriansportpsych #sportpsychology #equestriansportpsychology
Mixing It Up for the Holidays
We have a new tradition on Christmas morning. Everyone heads over to the farm early. Justin, along with his mother and brother, walk down to the barn and feed the horses together. Tara and I get breakfast cooking and guard the smoked salmon from Boone Dog and Birdie, the crazy kittens.
One of the greatest gifts of that morning is that all the usual routines are turned upside down, jumbled ,and all mixed up. Everyone gets to step into new roles and experience the joys of relating to each other in different ways. It is in those moments that the richness and texture of our relationships shine.
Sitting quietly across the living room in an overstuffed leather chair, with Knox dog in my lap, I was witness to joy and generosity, appreciation and playfulness, love and laughter. My kids often call me out for my sentimentality. Several moments that morning I was flooded with awe and gratitude for the gift of my family and the relationships they have with each other.
My dear friend Joe Lancia used to talk about the numinous; a deep sense of spiritual or mysterious awe, a connection to the divine or the transcendent. I always thought of that as related to the natural world but I now realize that it applies equally to our relationship with both our loved ones and the world.
There are so many opportunities in the holidays we celebrate to step away from our routines, to mix it up and relate to those we love in different ways, whether it be with family or friends or horses. As the New Year approaches I am setting my intention to search for those moments, enter into them, and celebrate them. Will you join me?
Playing Along
One of the great joys of the holidays is playing music with my boys. Some times we sit and play the old family favorite folk songs. This year Justin and Luke played a number of “new”songs that they had learned and Luke played a song he wrote after our family visit to my mother in the hospital. (I can’t even think about the song without getting emotional… it is beautiful). There are times I join right in with the guitar, times I sit and soak it in, and times I stumble along on my stand-up bass.
One afternoon, Luke started playing the piano and I picked up my bass. He was playing Christmas tunes. I fumbled along and after several songs I had a profound realization. I had been learning the bass (scales, arpeggios, structured progressions). I had been practicing the bass. But.. I hadn’t been playing the bass. The operative word her being play. I was so dedicated to the structures of the lessons being taught that I didn’t allow time to play with the instrument and explore.
Yesterday I was working with a riding client who was asking about how to deal with her fear and the intrusive “What if…?” thoughts during her rides. And it hit me. She rides, just like so many of us, in the structures of her lessons, sticking closely to the traditions of her chosen discipline and her chosen mentors. She is practicing riding and had very little time invested in play.
This is so important for dealing with our fears. When we stick to rather constrained structured practice, especially if they are similar to the contexts in which we had an accident or injury, both the context, familiarity, and focus on performance (or not making mistakes) create an optimal environment for anxiety and negative thinking to creep in and fester.
When we truly play and explore, it captures and focuses our attention in a different way. That, in and of itself, sends the worries into the background. Then the knowledge and experience gained from the exploration, informs our riding in new and different ways. With anxiety and fear, knowledge is power. Knowledge gives us options, it feeds effective problem solving, it supports creativity, it inspires us to challenge ourselves, and more. The kind of debilitating fear and anxiety that robs us of our joy has a hard time taking root in spaces and places where we are excited and invested in exploration and play.
This morning I searched for folk music back-up tracks on YouTube. I picked a few simple ones and I played. I played with different sounds and progressions. I played with different positions on the neck. I played with searching out sounds that I first imagined in my mind and sounds that I discovered by accident. It was the first time in a long time that I genuinely had fun “practicing” the bass.
I strongly encourage everyone to play in their time with their horses. Explore different disciplines and traditions. Challenge yourself to build deeper understanding by asking questions like, “What does it really mean to have your horse in front of your leg?” Then see if there are different ways to understand it. And , last but not least, play with your horse. Explore and be curious and see what you can learn. ~ Paul
#playingmusic #powerofplay #explore #equestrian #equestrianlife #sportpsych #equestriansportpsych #sportpsychology #equestriansportpsychology
One afternoon, Luke started playing the piano and I picked up my bass. He was playing Christmas tunes. I fumbled along and after several songs I had a profound realization. I had been learning the bass (scales, arpeggios, structured progressions). I had been practicing the bass. But.. I hadn’t been playing the bass. The operative word her being play. I was so dedicated to the structures of the lessons being taught that I didn’t allow time to play with the instrument and explore.
Yesterday I was working with a riding client who was asking about how to deal with her fear and the intrusive “What if…?” thoughts during her rides. And it hit me. She rides, just like so many of us, in the structures of her lessons, sticking closely to the traditions of her chosen discipline and her chosen mentors. She is practicing riding and had very little time invested in play.
This is so important for dealing with our fears. When we stick to rather constrained structured practice, especially if they are similar to the contexts in which we had an accident or injury, both the context, familiarity, and focus on performance (or not making mistakes) create an optimal environment for anxiety and negative thinking to creep in and fester.
When we truly play and explore, it captures and focuses our attention in a different way. That, in and of itself, sends the worries into the background. Then the knowledge and experience gained from the exploration, informs our riding in new and different ways. With anxiety and fear, knowledge is power. Knowledge gives us options, it feeds effective problem solving, it supports creativity, it inspires us to challenge ourselves, and more. The kind of debilitating fear and anxiety that robs us of our joy has a hard time taking root in spaces and places where we are excited and invested in exploration and play.
This morning I searched for folk music back-up tracks on YouTube. I picked a few simple ones and I played. I played with different sounds and progressions. I played with different positions on the neck. I played with searching out sounds that I first imagined in my mind and sounds that I discovered by accident. It was the first time in a long time that I genuinely had fun “practicing” the bass.
I strongly encourage everyone to play in their time with their horses. Explore different disciplines and traditions. Challenge yourself to build deeper understanding by asking questions like, “What does it really mean to have your horse in front of your leg?” Then see if there are different ways to understand it. And , last but not least, play with your horse. Explore and be curious and see what you can learn. ~ Paul
The Other Side of Fear
Justin and I will be presenting this week at the 2024 Leadership Adventures EAL Summit™ . I have given A LOT of presentations. I lost count about a decade ago but, If you count all the classes I taught during my years teaching, I am sure that the number is in the thousands. I can’t remember the last time I was really nervous about presenting. Sure, I get a butterfly or two every once in a while, but that just helps motivate me to prepare and keeps me sharp.
This conference feels different to me. Maybe it is because we are presenting to many of my old, old friends. Maybe it is because we are taking a risk to talk about ideas that guide our work; ideas that are personal and not necessarily main stream. Maybe its because we are presenting more a way of thinking/being than a concrete way of doing things. Maybe it is because Justin and I have such a prominent place in the conference program; two individual presentations and one together. Or, maybe it is because I am not just representing myself; I am representing the Riding Far team on a national stage. What ever the reason, my nervous energy is running high. I feel profoundly vulnerable.
I remember telling Justin last summer about being nervous when faced with a solid gate at a Working Equitation show. For some reason solid gates feel different to me than rope gates and I get all tensed up. He smiled at me (it was actually more of a smirk) and said, “I know a guy who could help.”
I made my choice long time ago not to play it safe in life. Vulnerability, nerves, worry, apprehension, and fear are quite simply the inevitable consequences of that choice. So now I get go to work. Center myself. Prepare my talks. Center myself. Practice my presentations. Center myself.
I ran across a quote this morning by Chase Jarvis, the author of Never Play It Safe: A Practical Guide to Freedom, Creativity, and a Life You Love.” It went like this… “All the best stuff in life is on the other side of risk, on the other side of our comfort zone, on the other side of our fears.”
Here’s to the other side… ~ Paul
Red Sunflowers
This weekend I am visiting my parents. On the way I picked up some flowers as a belated birthday gift for my mother. They were red sunflowers. Quite pretty and I thought unusual.
My mother has been challenged with changes in her memory. It is hard for her to track time and she can no longer do many of the things she loved. In the face of this, she is forever joyful and kind. A loving spirit with whom I treasure every moment.
We spent time arranging the small bouquet of flowers and finding the perfect spot for us to enjoy them. This morning, when we came downstairs for coffee, my mother told me that the water in the flowers had turned pink. We marveled at how beautiful it made the vase.
So many people say, “Everything happens for a reason.” Or, “It’s all part of God’s plan.” I chaff at these cliches because I really don’t believe in predetermination or fate. I do believe that life is full of twists and turns. I know both from my work with thousands of people over the last 35+ years, as well as through my personal experience, that life is hard for everyone. I know that our path is uncertain and we are not guaranteed anything.
What I do believe is that, with the pain and difficulty, there is also beauty and wonder and surprise and joy in life if we fully engage and are present. Whether we are talking about our horses, our families, our work, or our passions.
I am challenged this morning to set aside my incessant, self-absorbed worries and my desire to control everything. And, instead, step into each moment with the same kind of wonder and joy that my mother channels everyday. In that way, when the unexpected happens, I might notice when the water turns pink and marvel at its beauty.
Will you join me. ~ Paul
TURN INSIGHT INTO ACTION
THIS IS MORE THAN YOUR TYPICAL SPORT PSYCHOLOGY OR HORSE TRAINING.
We have dedicated ourselves to create transformative experiences for riders and horses through compassionate and expert education, mentorship and guidance. We meet every rider and horse where they are and create deeply personal and meaningful experiences.