I was recently talking with my brother about the challenges our family has faced over the past year. In the middle of our conversation, he thanked me for supporting him and my siblings. Then he said, “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s so nice to see that you’re human. You sometimes come across as a little professorial.”

In that moment, I noticed my reactions: warmth, connection, love. And, at the same time, maybe more than a hint of… En Garde! I think I laughed out loud. I’ve received that same “professorial” feedback throughout my adult life from my wife, children, trusted friends, supervisors, and colleagues. It’s a small part of who I am and a much larger part of how I present myself.

So why the defensive reaction? Why the surge in my nervous system? Why that familiar feeling of being challenged, as if someone had raised their sword and shouted, “En Garde!”?

In my personal and professional experience, most of us, no matter how tough we appear on the outside, have a vulnerable, gooey center within. It’s a natural part of growing up and living in this world to learn how to protect ourselves… physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Each of us, with our unique neurology and life experiences, develops distinct ways of perceiving and responding to the world.

Some of us become distrustful, always scanning for the next threat, ready to defend ourselves, sometimes with extreme measures. On the other end of the spectrum, some attack the world stridently, as if the best defense is a strong offense, striving to avoid vulnerability altogether.

Most of us, I believe, fall somewhere in the middle. At times, wariness takes the lead. Other times, we become strident or rigid in the face of conflict. And sometimes, in precious moments of peace, security, and groundedness, we stand on solid ground.

When we feel grounded, we gain access to awareness—awareness of our vulnerability and our capability. We see ourselves, others, and situations more clearly. We assess threats more realistically and, in my experience, realize that everyday conflicts are often not as threatening as they feel. In these moments, we can respond thoughtfully, adaptively, and flexibly.

I believe that protecting ourselves from vulnerability lies at the core of many conflicts. Whether conscious or not, it fuels rigid intolerance and authoritarian actions. Whether it’s an elevated horseman or horsewoman dismissing all other perspectives or an instructor digging in their heels in a battle of wills with a student, we must ask ourselves, “What are we protecting?”

There will always be times when we, or those we work with, face real dangers—physical, psychological, emotional, or spiritual. In those moments, it’s critical to hear the shout of “En Garde!” and marshal our abilities to ensure safety. But let us also commit to self-awareness and groundedness, so we can better distinguish between real dangers and what merely feels like a threat.

~ Paul

PC – Erin Gilmore Photography

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